Blog Neglect

What a year it has been. Law school is as stressful as it is interesting and I still have not had time to sit down and write a few posts about my thoughts and opinions on the madness of this world.

Mid-year break will be coming up in June- July, so hopefully I will have time to put a few posts up so my blog isn’t looking so sad.

I do tweet fairly regularly, especially when there are vile charlatans out there propagating fake, empty gestures of heroism e.g. Zakia Belkhiri.

My Twitter handle is- @20jannah15 if you would like to check out my page.

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From Depression To Anxiety

I am writing this because I find the situation of my changing mental illness quite interesting and I am wondering how many other people have experienced this.

When I was younger, late teens to mid 20s, I never really had anxiety but I did have quite bad depression. Then in Jan 2009 when I found out the ‘love of my life’ was cheating on me I started experiencing anxiety with depression. When I couldn’t cope any longer I went to my GP who put me on Lexapro and referred me to a psychologist. I would have sought professional help sooner but I seriously thought it was normal to feel like shit all the time and I thought other people were dealing with life better than I was so I was just somehow inept or useless. Also, I was very anti-medication because I had been fed untruths from lay idiots who portrayed ALL medication as some evil, addictive thing that turned you into a zombie and once you were on it, you would never be able to come off it or it would be so hard to come off it would mess you up.

‘Crazy’ thinking in retrospect but mental illness was not that widely discussed so I didn’t realise that; A) what I was experiencing (depression) was not ‘normal’ (normal as in a normal, healthy way for your brain to function), B) what I was experiencing could be helped with assistance from medication and psychology and C) although depression is not ‘normal’ it was actually very common and had many different instigators.

I went on Lexapro for quite awhile in conjunction with therapy and although cognitive behavioural therapy didn’t really sink in to begin with over the years the Lexapro helped me to get out of my own head and start noticing the world and people around me which then did help in my therapy sessions. By watching others I soon began to realise everyone was insane to some degree, they just had subtle or not so subtle ways of trying to mask it.

After the stress of heartbreak, then getting stuck in an atrocious mining job for over 2 years, then coming back to my mother’s to recover from work burnout, I now realise I don’t have depression anymore unless I experience prolonged spikes of anxiety (If I experience anxiety daily for a week or more my brain goes into overdrive and then I burn out and plunge into depression).

It’s just so weird that my mental illness has changed so dramatically like that. Just when I was feeling good about not having depression anymore now anytime I have a peak period of stress where a lot of things are going on my anxiety goes from 0 to 1000 within seconds. It’s like my brain is saying “Well you used medication and the skills you learnt in therapy to overcome depression so now I have to find a new way to fuck you up.”

I went back on Lexapro recently but because it is mainly used for depression with a bit of anxiety it was waking me up at night which was leading me to sleep deprivation (if I don’t get enough sleep every night my brain will plummet into depression) and only controlled my anxiety for a little bit. I went to see a psychiatrist to find out what medication he could suggest. He suggested a couple and in the end, I chose a medication called Dothep (dothiepin hydrochloride). I take it at night and it has a drowsy effect and is supposed to help anxiety. I’m only on a very small dose, 25mg, so let’s see how I go. I have started a law degree and because my anxiety was getting so bad I quit my casual, retail job last week and dropped down to one subject this week. I really want to do well in my studies so now my new challenge is to get this anxiety under control with the help of medication and therapy.

It just pisses me off I worked so hard to overcome my depression in my 20s and I thought I was on the up and up and now I have to waste my 30s (hopefully only my early 30s) working on anxiety.

So, is this quite common to have a pattern of mental illness change so much over a decade and if so what the hell can I look forward to in my freaking 40s?

So Much To Do. So Little Time To Write.

So, I have not posted anything in so long and I do have many topics I want to write about but within a matter of one week I found out I was accepted into uni (to do law) and I got a job so now I have 9 uni scholarships to apply for (all the ones for povos and women), I need to apply for AusStudy (government student allowance) and I have work related training modules I need to complete. Busy, busy.

If anyone has any tips on applying for scholarships please let me know.

I will hopefully have time to write something in the next week or so but I thought I should post a little update so people don’t think this site has been abandoned.

Back On The Meds For Me. Toot, Toot. Next Stop, Sanityville.

THIS POST HAS A LANGUAGE WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.

So, I have been off Lexapro for just over a year and a half now. Lexapro is a mildish anti-anxiety/anti-depressant that I started taking in 2009 when I found out ‘the love of my life’ was fucking some slut from his work (I’ve had a bit of a full on week so language is not going to be G-rated in this post, sorry).

I went back on it again when I started going through all the shit I went through working in the mines but once I got back to the coast I stopped taking it because I wanted to manage on my own and since I was removed from the stress that caused me to go back on it I managed fine.

However, in the last week, I have had two anxiety spikes that made me ill due to excessive giddiness and buzzing, and, this is going to be TMI, gave me anxious diarrhoea. Ever since 2009, when I first started experiencing anxiety (previously to that I only experienced depression), whenever I have an anxiety spike I get an upset tummy and diarrhoea.

The first anxiety spike this week was on Tuesday when I had a job interview. Now, usually, I am pretty good with job interviews because my attitude is I am sussing them out just as much as they are sussing me out so as far as I am concerned we are on a level playing field. However, with the job market being as shit as it is, the fact I have applied for uni next year and would really like to get a job asap now that I have finished my Certificate III (in Business Admin) because I have a list of things I wanted to do/get before starting uni (fix my ugly ankle tattoo, get a new phone that doesn’t freeze all the time, save some money for bond and rent for when I move out, save money in general etc.) and the fact that this was a job I would have really liked (it was as an Admin for a country vet) I was actually very nervous and felt like the stink of desperation was strong on me. It also didn’t help one of the women interviewing me (the Vet) was a bit of an abrupt, clipped bitch.

The second anxiety spike was yesterday, Thursday, when I opened up my emails while I was at the job search centre the government has placed me with (yes, that’s right, I’m a filthy dole bludger at the moment but just remember I would still be working in the mines if they hadn’t of flogged me out by working me to death and bullied and harrassed me for having a backbone by telling them my workload was killing me) to find an email saying I had been accepted into my first preference uni for law. I don’t know why it sent my anxiety through the roof. I think it was a combination of the fact I was in a public place so I couldn’t scream with excitement or do cartwheels, the fact I was sssoooo happy and sssoooo amazed I got in (I actually did almost start crying because I am a crazy, emotional ethnic) and the fact it just hammered home uni will start in Feb and that isn’t far off and I need a fucking job STAT and so far no cunt has hired me even though I was job hunting for casual admin and retail jobs when I was completing my Cert III and now I have finished the Cert I am looking for full-time work.

Side note: The Coalition, who is the party in power in Australia right now, can go fuck themselves. Unemployment is always high under right-wing, conservative parties because they are cheap, tight-arsed cunts who never want to help anyone (the ordinary, little guy) out, except their richy-rich, big-end-of-town mates. Dirty scumbags!

Sooo, I have a lot to do (things around the house and yard and other domesticy type things) before uni starts, which relies on money, so I cannot afford to be getting sick from anxiety spikes because I am trying to pile too much on at once and my poor, little brain short-circuits and starts freaking out that there is too much to do in too little time and with too little money to do it. I have booked an appointment with a GP tomorrow to get a bit of a check up to ensure I am still good to be taking Lexapro and if they write me a script for Lexapro, or something else, I will start back on the meds. I need to keep it together and keep on keeping on otherwise I won’t be any good to anyone, least of all myself.

Islamism & Saudi Arabia’s Human Rights Abuses Takes Up So Much Of My Time

I have not posted a personal entry onto this site in so long because since the Paris Attacks my time has been spent watching a tonne of videos on YouTube from Islamic apostates, apostate and Middle Eastern free thinkers, Muslim reformers and their Western allies. So much watching, learning, soaking up information, so little time to write about ME!

Add to that Saudi Arabia now has 4 free thinkers (plus countless others no doubt) on trial and they are wanting to murder these innocent men for ‘terrorism’. Atheism, apostasy, free thinking etc. makes you are a terrorist in Saudi Arabia! It is beyond insane.

Sooooo, all and all with all this happening in the world and the fact I have been job hunting (and man, are there some STUPID job ads out there. I will write about those in another post) I have not had a chance to tend to my little spot on WordPress.

I hope to have some new posts out soon and hopefully they will have a more positive note such as more countries in Africa are banning FGM! YAY!!!

Here is a list of some of the people and channels/shows I have been watching:

THINGS I LOVE

I thought I had better do a quick post on things I love since I seem to post about things that make me sick to my stomach a lot (what can I say, my passion against injustices runs deep).

Below are things I love in no particular order-

  • Ethics
  • Philosophy
  • All sciences but especially evolution, biology and cosmology because they are so tied to who we are as a planet and species
  • Freedom fighters
  • Human Rights progress
  • Environmental protection progress
  • Ethical farming practices
  • Civil rights
  • Workers’ rights
  • Women’s rights
  • LGBTIQ rights
  • Flowers, especially wild flowers
  • Good quality, ethically grown coffee
  • Reading
  • Gaining new information and knowledge
  • Yoga
  • Comedy and laughing
  • Cocktails
  • History
  • Archeology
  • Anthropology
  • YouTube, I am so addicted to YouTube. All the university lectures, academic talks, documentaries, tutorials etc. It’s been life changing, literally!
  • Clear skies
  • Renewable energies
  • Napping
  • Riding my gorgeous vintage style bike
  • My cat and 2 dogs
  • My family
  • My friends
  • Performing and visual arts
  • Turkish and Greek food
  • Singing
  • Peace and serenity
  • Dark chocolate, like 80% cocoa from ethically run farms

Well, I think that will do for now. I will continue this later 🙂