THIS POST HAS A LANGUAGE WARNING. READ AT YOUR OWN DISCRETION.
So, I have been off Lexapro for just over a year and a half now. Lexapro is a mildish anti-anxiety/anti-depressant that I started taking in 2009 when I found out ‘the love of my life’ was fucking some slut from his work (I’ve had a bit of a full on week so language is not going to be G-rated in this post, sorry).
I went back on it again when I started going through all the shit I went through working in the mines but once I got back to the coast I stopped taking it because I wanted to manage on my own and since I was removed from the stress that caused me to go back on it I managed fine.
However, in the last week, I have had two anxiety spikes that made me ill due to excessive giddiness and buzzing, and, this is going to be TMI, gave me anxious diarrhoea. Ever since 2009, when I first started experiencing anxiety (previously to that I only experienced depression), whenever I have an anxiety spike I get an upset tummy and diarrhoea.
The first anxiety spike this week was on Tuesday when I had a job interview. Now, usually, I am pretty good with job interviews because my attitude is I am sussing them out just as much as they are sussing me out so as far as I am concerned we are on a level playing field. However, with the job market being as shit as it is, the fact I have applied for uni next year and would really like to get a job asap now that I have finished my Certificate III (in Business Admin) because I have a list of things I wanted to do/get before starting uni (fix my ugly ankle tattoo, get a new phone that doesn’t freeze all the time, save some money for bond and rent for when I move out, save money in general etc.) and the fact that this was a job I would have really liked (it was as an Admin for a country vet) I was actually very nervous and felt like the stink of desperation was strong on me. It also didn’t help one of the women interviewing me (the Vet) was a bit of an abrupt, clipped bitch.
The second anxiety spike was yesterday, Thursday, when I opened up my emails while I was at the job search centre the government has placed me with (yes, that’s right, I’m a filthy dole bludger at the moment but just remember I would still be working in the mines if they hadn’t of flogged me out by working me to death and bullied and harrassed me for having a backbone by telling them my workload was killing me) to find an email saying I had been accepted into my first preference uni for law. I don’t know why it sent my anxiety through the roof. I think it was a combination of the fact I was in a public place so I couldn’t scream with excitement or do cartwheels, the fact I was sssoooo happy and sssoooo amazed I got in (I actually did almost start crying because I am a crazy, emotional ethnic) and the fact it just hammered home uni will start in Feb and that isn’t far off and I need a fucking job STAT and so far no cunt has hired me even though I was job hunting for casual admin and retail jobs when I was completing my Cert III and now I have finished the Cert I am looking for full-time work.
Side note: The Coalition, who is the party in power in Australia right now, can go fuck themselves. Unemployment is always high under right-wing, conservative parties because they are cheap, tight-arsed cunts who never want to help anyone (the ordinary, little guy) out, except their richy-rich, big-end-of-town mates. Dirty scumbags!
Sooo, I have a lot to do (things around the house and yard and other domesticy type things) before uni starts, which relies on money, so I cannot afford to be getting sick from anxiety spikes because I am trying to pile too much on at once and my poor, little brain short-circuits and starts freaking out that there is too much to do in too little time and with too little money to do it. I have booked an appointment with a GP tomorrow to get a bit of a check up to ensure I am still good to be taking Lexapro and if they write me a script for Lexapro, or something else, I will start back on the meds. I need to keep it together and keep on keeping on otherwise I won’t be any good to anyone, least of all myself.